Breaking In

It can be such a painful and terrifying thing to look deep inside ourselves, past the years of attempted "getting over". If there's one thing I'm learning in this season, it's vulnerability. My lifelong lesson is trust, and right now I get to trust that vulnerability won't leave me wounded, but renewed.

Uncorking my emotions has never been my strong suit- it's the outfit stuffed in the very back of my closet. Someone gave it to me once and said I should wear it, but I thought it would look terrible on me so it was never been broken-in. When Max and I first got married this proved to be a (big!) issue. As problems arose he'd be ready talk it out, but I'd go hide in our bed with the blankets over my head- I'm not even joking. I am so embarrassed by this now and think Max is a saint for still prying and prodding me open. Growing up this was the habit I had formed and as a married 23 year-old I was still retreating to darkness with my feelings.

Sharing joy and excitement comes so naturally to me, but this was like pulling my own teeth. I was sure eventually the pain would numb, and I had plenty of other good teeth to use. But laying in my bed I realized that I was running out of teeth and marriage was tough, not for gumming and getting by. 

I wish I could say that now it's easy for me to come right out and talk about things, move on, and be strong. It's going in phases- I'm not good at it, I'm better. I can communicate directly with Max the things I want and need help with. If you didn't already know, hints and indirect communication don't work very well, especially in marriages.

But there are always new things being brought to the surface. Rocks, big and small, as my heart is tilled in the day-to-day workings of life. It can be painful, yet such a deep feeling of relief when we find what was causing our roots to not go deep, and to have it pulled out. The words seem so nice and simple for this process, but it's more like the long tiring hours of labor, pushing and pushing, until finally comes the baby. I've never known relief and joy like that. It was also really gross. And the baby was a blessing, not a growth-stunting rock. Definitely not growth stunting...

Here's the summary of all these thoughts- vulnerability is a journey, and as I said before the company along the way makes all the difference. Thank you for coming along, I hope you will be encouraged as well. Or at least enjoy these adorable pictures. 

Wonder-Workers

Mothering-love is a wonder-working power that transforms little rascals into heroes and divas into princesses. Attitudes are everything as we mold not only these rocket-speed-growing lives, but as we make daily (and every minute of the day) decisions on our reactions. I'm terrible at this. I already see in my daughter the immediate freak-out when things fall over or aren't done the way we wanted. But mirrors of failures can be something so much greater than self-disappointments. I'm learning to look them squarely in the eye and say "we can overcome this mountain, we can practice patience even if it's only for a second longer than last time". How tired are the feet of those who practice patience, but how beautiful are those that bring good news and walk in grace!

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The ability to appreciate and celebrate the people around us is a gift. Some people are amazing at this (some people also really overwhelm me with this). I'm working on finding the middle ground, looking for little ways to show others they are valuable and important.

Here are a few thoughts on how to celebrate a mom:
This book is changing my life. I've never been so encouraged by book, and left without a trace of guilt or condemnation for not being 100% awesome.

And this- just lovely. I've only previewed it, but I think I was holding my breath the whole time.

I don't know if there's any young mom that wouldn't hyperventilate with excitement at the offer to take one of those books, $10, and go enjoy it with coffee and a pastry for an hour and half.

For bonus points- another $50 to peruse Target and purchase something impractical is many-a-mom's dream.

I'm just baffled that men are confused and perplexed by my gender. All my problems are solved by food, sleep, me-time, a new nail polish, or a little succulent for my collection.

Life is too short to not celebrate the people around us.
That's all I have to say.

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Also, read this and/or this.

Trek

This journey's infinite road leads beyond the me-today, and into lands of the me-to-be. When we go where we haven't been, climbing ever higher, increasing elevation of the new presses down heavy. Attempting adaptation, believing we are stronger than the forces commanding retreat. Body and soul plead its case- escape to the safety of this mountain's base, let our lungs inhale deeply, no more relying on strength we don't possess.

But acclimating is no fable. Increased breathing in and breathing out, until self-sustenance is a distant memory, and we lean on the thick sturdy knowledge that beyond ourselves is everything we want.

Courage isn't there when we call, it calls to us when we are comfortable and content. We can travel across plains and feel the warmth of the sun, or trek upwards feeling the warmth of muscles strained. One takes us far- seeing only on the level of today, but the other takes us deep- deeper into the skies, nearer towards the heavens.

I am worn, but not weary. Hungry, but not hopeless. Assured that my efforts are producing the grit that leads to greatness.

When It Clears

Marriage hasn't been all the bird chirping and endless bouquets of roses I imagined, but it has been forcing conversations about feelings I want to so stubbornly lock up; overwhelming days turned around by a coffee date and help with dinner; movies watched; home videos taken; and laughing at even my worst jokes. It's true what they say, the journey doesn't matter so much as your companion along the way. Thunder storms and pouring rain are great reminders that things can change in an instant and we don't always know what kind of sky we'll get to behold once it all clears.

Even with its infamous challenges and trials, I'll take it any day over solo travels around the world and shopping sprees. Marriage (tried & true relationships) turn dreams into dreaming, and life into living.