Breaking In

It can be such a painful and terrifying thing to look deep inside ourselves, past the years of attempted "getting over". If there's one thing I'm learning in this season, it's vulnerability. My lifelong lesson is trust, and right now I get to trust that vulnerability won't leave me wounded, but renewed.

Uncorking my emotions has never been my strong suit- it's the outfit stuffed in the very back of my closet. Someone gave it to me once and said I should wear it, but I thought it would look terrible on me so it was never been broken-in. When Max and I first got married this proved to be a (big!) issue. As problems arose he'd be ready talk it out, but I'd go hide in our bed with the blankets over my head- I'm not even joking. I am so embarrassed by this now and think Max is a saint for still prying and prodding me open. Growing up this was the habit I had formed and as a married 23 year-old I was still retreating to darkness with my feelings.

Sharing joy and excitement comes so naturally to me, but this was like pulling my own teeth. I was sure eventually the pain would numb, and I had plenty of other good teeth to use. But laying in my bed I realized that I was running out of teeth and marriage was tough, not for gumming and getting by. 

I wish I could say that now it's easy for me to come right out and talk about things, move on, and be strong. It's going in phases- I'm not good at it, I'm better. I can communicate directly with Max the things I want and need help with. If you didn't already know, hints and indirect communication don't work very well, especially in marriages.

But there are always new things being brought to the surface. Rocks, big and small, as my heart is tilled in the day-to-day workings of life. It can be painful, yet such a deep feeling of relief when we find what was causing our roots to not go deep, and to have it pulled out. The words seem so nice and simple for this process, but it's more like the long tiring hours of labor, pushing and pushing, until finally comes the baby. I've never known relief and joy like that. It was also really gross. And the baby was a blessing, not a growth-stunting rock. Definitely not growth stunting...

Here's the summary of all these thoughts- vulnerability is a journey, and as I said before the company along the way makes all the difference. Thank you for coming along, I hope you will be encouraged as well. Or at least enjoy these adorable pictures.