Softness of Spirit & Inspired Living

Recently I've been convicted to live a more palpable life. To let my spirit and the things deep deep in my being come to the surface and affect my daily living. The self-sacrificing thing that comes with motherhood says, "I can do this. I won't complain about my unmet needs. My dreaming can wait." I won't go any further, we've all heard the same sad motherhood songs. What caught me out was hearing this, "If your vision isn't intimidating to you, it's most likely offending God." My heart was pricked, blood drawn. In all of my efforts to be an awesome, strong, full-of-grace woman, I've neglected to ask God what attitude/vision He would like me to carry. My conception that self-sustaining is His preferred route was refuted. He opts for the soul-bending overwhelming peace brought only by His hurricane-love.

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Well that was interrupted. What is ever NOT interrupted? Hanley was having a rough time falling asleep. I had to remind myself, softness of spirit, allow myself to be inspired instead of frustrated... Ahh she fell into a deep, sweet slumber. So did I. And then interruption #2, husband on the phone, car died. Glorious. Of course when I'm at a high, a bomb drops. Softness of heart. Inspired living. Trusting, not striving.

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Nevertheless I am continually with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You will guide me with Your counsel,
And afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is none upon earth that I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart fail;
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

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To Put To Words

Stretched, squeezed,
Pushed, pulled, and wrung out.
Every emotion drawn from being.

Joy, sorrow,
Pain, and delight.
Gratitude to feel and receive so much.

Without words to sum the whole,
The mind's million wanderings.
Grappling to keep two feet stationary.

Just before it all gives way, an escape.
Out the side door,
Into blue sky, warm breeze.

Find strength in not knowing,
Keep humble the soul,
Steadfast the heart.

Let tomorrows battle keep far from today,
Laughter carry weary legs.
Grace, teach the anxious peace.

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Little Miss Hanley Rose
Now nine months old, I am in awe. Constantly amazed that my heart can hold so much love, that a baby could be so cute, and that my patience could run out the door so quickly.

She is crawling around and under, hitting her head on coffee tables and chair legs. She's realized how many things there are to discover, and is exhibiting a great interest in shoes. Right now her love is manifested mostly in chewing them, which absolutely disgusts me.

It's impossible to pick my favorite thing she does right now, but it's easy to cancel out the screaming for food. She has a raging metabolism and is a snack maniac. But her focused mimicking of Ma-ma and Da-da makes my heart melt to a puddle.

There have been only a few occurrences of belly laughter, but there is no shortage of smiles.

She loves playtime in the water, whether it's the sink, pool, or lake. Splashing is exhilarating, and an adorable bathing suit is the frosting on top!

We've come 3/4 of a year, just three more months and she will be a whole year old. Every part of myself has been demanded of, but it's been incredible to bring a life into the world and watch it become its own. I am in wonder every day.

Adventure on the Horizon

Warm breeze, move across my neck

Blow down arms to hands

Hands that ache to mold

Shape purpose in earth under feet

Could I get out all my longing

Squeeze from fingertips

Feel pulsing, rushing, blood

From heart through body to heart again

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Times have been tough for baby girl this past week. The cause is irrelevant, the effect is... affecting me. We've been taking walks after dinner to calm her down and all my senses have been overwhelmed with memories. Flower boxes in windows, sun setting on tall grass, gentle breezes carrying the sweet smells of the approaching summer, they bring me back to a most transforming time in my life.

It was 5 years ago this same month that I spent a week in what I now refer to as "the birthplace of my soul"- Herrnhut, Germany. If you don't know the history of this little town, here is some good information. In short, a group of people there started a prayer and missions movement that lasted over 100 years.

I can't put into words the how or why, but there is something in that place that is a part of me, a part of who I am supposed to be. It may sound over-romanticized to some, but I'd rather be full of passion for something, even if I can't explain it, than to have no passion at all. The purpose awakened at that time was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I promised myself that I would return again with my husband. [Who I had no idea was Max]

And so our little family is planning a trip to spend a week there in September. The ministry I went with in 2008 now has a base in Herrnhut and will be meeting daily for worship, prayer, teaching, and community- all things wonderful.

We don't know what is in store, but we've known since the end of last year that it's a step we need to take. The thought of traveling overseas with an almost-one-year old is stressful, and plane tickets are pricey these days, yet to not go would feel like disobedience.

Adventure, here we come!

Here is more information on the ministry in Herrnhut.

This is from my visit in 2008-

C.